Friendship?

Prompt: Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

At first I was resistant to the idea that my friendships changed me. But they did, in so many ways. They made me laugh, cry, scream and feel content. It was a good and bad year for friendships. I guess that's life, but since I've always found friendships kind of weird, my reflecting on them is a good way for me to try and make sense of them. Honestly? I'm BAD at being friends with people. I don't gossip or tell secrets or anything bad like that- no Mean Girl style burn books, but I have a hard time telling if someone is actually my friend or just a casual acquaintance. It's alot like dating, actually, in that stage where you're not really sure if you're dating or just friends hanging out... except I can't tell if we're friends and we should hang out more often or just people who know each other and hang together only in groups? Maybe they don't like hanging out with me as much as I like hanging out with them. Maybe my breath stinks. Maybe I'm boring. AC thinks I'm the most awesome person in the world, but then again, that's why we're married. Friendships are TOTALLY CONFUSING. I'm sweet and somewhat smart, goofy and intensely loyal. I like bowling and painting and taking walks, and I think that if you're reading this, we should be friends.

To sum up my year in friendships with people, I...

- had a long time friend tell me that we weren't as close as I thought we were. That stings more now than when I actually heard it from this friend. I think I was in shock at the time. And while I realize we may have drifted... I dunno, I'm not really sure what to do now. I love my friend to death, but I feel like I'm not worth their time anymore and that they've "moved on" from our friendship so to speak, which makes me really upset.

- realized that (in another friendship), just because the friendship is't outwardly expressed doesn't mean it's not super important to the other person. I usually need things to hit me in the head like a brick in order to realize certain facts, but this one was made clear to me in the strangest and subtlest of ways. I'm glad I managed to pick up on it.

- had a friend step up into wedding stuff when I needed her the most. And I love and adore her for being there through it all. She's the closest thing I've ever had to a sister, even though she has a million of her own.

- made a new friend that makes me aware of what being open with your life is like, and we're totally brain twins and I love her to pieces. I'm so excited to spend time with her over Christmas in Atlanta! Confession: sometimes when I make a new friend I'm afraid they don't like me as much as I like them so that still makes me a little nervous.

- regret not trying to be closer friends with people that I moved away from. I wish I had taken the time and made the effort to make these people a priority while I had the chance. Nina is one of those people that I love to pieces and feel bad that I didn't make more of an effort. Lucy too!

- Watched a friend go through a tough medical problem. It's still a hard road for her, no doubt, but it's a start. I love her to death and this whole ordeal has been super, super scary. I've never had someone close to me get sick like this, so it was a hard thing to figure out to be supportive. I'm not sure I did the best job, honestly, but I tried!

- drifted from one of my best friends. But... it happens, honestly, when your best friend was a guy but then you get married to a different one. He's still one of my favorite people and has been going through alot of changes lately. We'll always be friends, though. I have no doubt in my mind about that.

- tried to get closure in a relationship that I was never quite sure how to define. Granted, facebook might not have been the best way to do it, but I didn't know what else to do and I never got a response. Its still quite frankly irritating because I think I deserve an answer but will probably never get one. So I will be content with knowing that I tried and that ultimately, I cared (and still care) about this person deeply. Not on a romantic level, but on a level that they impacted my life and helped me learn alot about myself in the aftermath. I was only a freshmen. I was young, dealing with being 400 miles away from everything, he was in a high stress job and dealing with his own issues that came to a head 2 years later (when I was a junior), but I cared about him more than I've cared about most people in my life. I'm pretty sure he doesn't read my blog, which is why I'm quasi-venting. Though even if he does, I'm not sure it would matter. I'd still be THINKING these things, and then it would be an incomplete post.

- was told that I'm not as open as I think I am. Which is totally fair once I thought about it, but it annoyed me at first. I joke about therapy and medication, but I never really seriously talk about the issue, about EDs and secrets I've kept for a long time and most people, not even my parents, know. A large of me blogging is trying to open myself up to people more. It's easier when I don't know them (at first).

- had a Wedding Wonder Twin that I miss SO MUCH! She was one of my managers, but also one of my most favorite people in the world. My flower girls are her step-daughters and AC officiated her own ceremony.

- found a blog that I admire alot. Not only cause she's an Army Officer, but because she's probably the most honest person I've come across in the blogging world. She's no bullshit, but I'm pretty sure she's got a soft spot, which totally makes me smile.

That was alot. Sorry, but wow... people affected me more than I knew. Some good, some bad, some GREAT, some absolutely heart wrenching. I feel good about this year and friends, honestly, especially since I married my best one. He might not always understand me, but he always, always loves and respects me (and me him) and I'm so proud of what he's accomplishing at school and in life. We spend alot of time together, but I still miss him when he's away. Ended on a cheesy note, but that's how I roll!